Live Anymore
by Bleeding Heart
Summary: Ever wonder what happened to Snape that made him so... horrible? This answers that question... *COMPLETE*
1. Author's Note

How I greatly enjoy writing. As you, the reader, perhaps enjoy reading. My own creation… my child, molded in my hands. I feel that they're never fully finished, none of my works. Yet they must be eventually.

I hate reading ill-put-together fiction. It seems incomplete and I want to finish it. Spelling errors, grammar… it bugs the hell out of me! 

This is one of my first Harry Potter fics. I enjoyed crafting both of them, but before you read… please consider the following.

I do not make money from my works. All copyrights go to their respective owners.

If you dislike this work, do not flame. Go somewhere else.

There are no romances in here, nor will there ever be. That's right. No slash. No pairings. 

I'll warn you now: my vision of Snape is of a cold-hearted bachelor who doesn't trust anyone and needs his solitude. If you don't agree, too bad for you. 

Enjoy.


	2. Chapter 1

"Live Anymore"

_All the world I've seen before me passing by_

_I've got nothing to gain to lose_

_You don't care about how I feel_

_I don't feel it anymore_

_I don't see anymore_

_I don't hear anymore_

_I don't speak anymore_

_I don't feel._

*~ *~*~

A.N.: _ATWA_ is © System of a Down

Album: _Toxicity_

*~*~*~

The dungeons of Hogwarts were the only place he felt protected. The sixth-year Slytherin was there now, sweeping toward the Slytherin commons, almost running away from the other students rushing upstairs to bask in the sun.

"Severus!"

He turned, watching disdainfully as a gawky third-year ran up to him. "We're meeting in the commons in a little while… Do you want to join us?"

Sighing, Severus twisted about and continued on his path. He could hear the younger student on his heels.

"Severus?" There it was again, that annoying childish voice… he could never say no to it. Stopping at an expanse of blank wall, he muttered the password and entered the commons through the opening that was created. A few other third-years were clustered around the fireplace. Their fellow joined them and a few minutes later, two more came through the wall.

Leaning back in a plush green chair, Severus gazed around at the group of third-years and then at the other person in the room. Watching from the fireplace was Lucius Malfoy. His blonde hair was slicked back into a ponytail and he wore a smirk on his face.

"Are we all here?"

"Honestly, Crabbe, can't you count?"

Severus's attention was brought back to the six Slytherins huddled on the floor. They spoke in hushed tones, barely loud enough for the two sixth-years to hear.

"So what's in the forest, anyway?"

"I heard there were spiders, and trolls…"

"Aw, anybody can take on a troll…"

"THEY don't think that! The only way we can prove that we can is if we attempt it…!"

"Show those Gryffindors who're the masters here."

"Tomorrow night then…"

So that's what they were planning. Trekking into the Forbidden Forest was not exactly a good idea, even for the teachers at Hogwarts. Not after last year, when Professor Mandel sleepwalked out of the castle and ran back at two in the morning blubbering about giant spiders. The gamekeeper – that great oaf Ogg – would only set his mouth in a thin line when he was questioned.

Severus remembered this, and he stood suddenly, making some of the Slytherins jump.

"You can't do that," he said icily.

"What do you mean, can't?" retorted one of the students – a thickset, wiry-haired boy Severus recognized only as Lestrange.

"Sometimes," Severus continued, striding to the fire, "there are things more important than showing how powerful you are. Your own life is of utmost importance… there are other ways to show those Gryffindors who is better… can't you think of anything?" He whirled to face the group. "Or are you too thick?"

One of the girls there flashed here yes to Crabbe and then to Goyle. Both hung their heads dully; Lestrange spoke again.

"But, Snape… it is the best way… why should we chicken out now? It will just show how scared we are to the _Gryffindors_." He spat the last word out with a vengeance.

"Bravo, Lestrange. Well put." Lucius nodded from his place on the wall. "What can Severus say tot hat?"

"Much, Lucius," Severus leered.

"Such as…?"

"Such as whatever happened to Slytherins being cunning and sly?" He looked around at the third years; they seemed slightly uncomfortable. Lestrange met his gaze defiantly. "There are always better ways to do things… what about using a few spells to _scare_ some of the… lesser students?"

Lestrange had looked away and was now staring into the fire. Several third-years rose and stalked away grumpily. Soon the only ones left were Lestrange, and a brown-haired, gawky boy named Gregory Pfeiffer, the one who had assaulted Severus in the hall… the former of whom climbed slowly to his feet and, without meeting Severus's eyes, climbed the stairs up to the boys' dormitories.

Gregory remained with his eyes closed. He appeared to be thinking, and as Snape left through the trap-wall, Gregory looked after him through slitted eyes.

"You think you're so great… I'll prove what it takes to gain respect," he muttered.

Lucius Malfoy laughed to himself as he climbed up to the dorms. _This will be interesting…_


	3. Chapter 2

Wrapped in his thick black cloak, the young Severus Snape wandered down an odd corridor. He knew it was late, but he wasn't yet tired, and he mulled over the previous night's events in his mind. He wasn't so sure one of the third years wouldn't try something foolish anyway. Making his way silently to the entrance hall, Severus tried to think about other things.

A quick flash of moonlight flooded into the hall and then was gone… quickly deducing, Severus ran almost headlong into the door, barely stopping to open it.

_Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!_ He cursed. _I should have known…_He saw a thin figure sprinting toward the forest, and with a sudden burst of strength, began to overtake it.

Wildly grabbing at the figure's robes, Severus realized it was Gregory Pfeiffer, the gawky third-year. He felt fabric in his hand and, grabbing it, yanked hard, causing the boy to stumble and fall. Severus tripped and landed on top of hi. Struggling to getaway, Gregory scratched Severus's face with flailing hands and pulled a lock of his fine blue-black hair free from its ponytail. Severus kept a tight hold in the boy's robes and managed to keep him down.

Looking up, Severus noticed a light moving quickly toward them from the direction of the forest. _The Gamekeeper…! Damn it!_ He silently cursed his luck and carefully pried the third-year's hands from his robes.

"'Ere, now, what do you think you're doing out this late?" The gamekeeper, Ogg, a great hairy man, lifted both boys easily from where they lay prostrate on the ground. "I ought to take you both to Dumbledore, I should."

Severus felt himself grabbed by his upper arm and pulled forward into the great castle. Now that they were caught, he reasoned dryly, they would probably both be expelled. Severus cursed to himself again, shaking his head. What would his father say? Stealing a glance at Gregory, he saw fear written all over the boy's face, and was satisfied.

Up a staircase, down a hallway, up another staircase, and they stopped in front of a small wooden door partway down another hallway. A shiny silver plaque on it read, in scrunched loopy letters, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE. Ogg knocked once and a tired voice called out:

"Enter…"

Severus's arm suddenly relaxed as Ogg reached out to open the office door. He was shoved roughly inside and was followed by the gamekeeper and a panting Gregory before the door shut again.

"Caught these two fighting, I did. Out on the grounds… Thought you should know, maybe punish them," Ogg grunted. Dumbledore nodded at him, taking off his half-moon glasses, and waved for him to leave. "But Mr. Dumbledore sir…"

"I will hear enough from these two boys, thank you, Ogg," Dumbledore sighed. The gamekeeper nodded his bushy brown head reluctantly and left without another word.

"Now," Dumbledore said, turning to the two students, "Sit." They did. Gregory kept shifting, his eyes darting at Severus, who merely leaned back, cold black eyes studying the Assistant Headmaster warily. "I expect you can explain yourselves?" Dumbledore continued, looking at Severus expectantly.

Shifting, the sixth year nodded slowly. Dumbledore waited patiently, leaning forward over his desk and folding his hands.

"There were… several third years in my House," Severus began, glancing at Gregory, "Who thought it would be funny to sneak out to the Forbidden Forest in order to prove their bravery to… others."

Gregory half rose out of his chair, a furious look on his face, and opened his mouth to say something, but was silenced with a look from Dumbledore. He sank back down and glared at Severus, who pretended not to notice. Dumbledore nodded for him to continue. Taking a deep breath he did.

"I was out, walking around the halls tonight, when I saw Gregory leave the castle. I thought, that since he was one of the third years… that he would try something stupid."

By now Gregory was silently fuming in his seat, beyond words. Dumbledore turned to him.

"Is this true?"

"Professor," Gregory sneered, "I wasn't being stupid…"

"Oh?"

"It's just that the Gryffindors have been so… _mean_ to us that I thought…"

"That sneaking out and getting into a fight would get you respected?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled merrily. "Of course you thought about this? Please continue," he added to Severus.

"Well, I had tried to talk them out of it," Severus said, "But I guess it didn't work. I followed him out and he started running… so I grabbed his robes and he turned on me."

 Severus only now became aware of the burning stripes across his face and a funny dull tingling in his left arm. He rubbed at it self-consciously as the feeling came back to his fingers.

Dumbledore sat back, stroking his short gray beard that went halfway down his chest. He looked from Gregory to Severus to Gregory again. Severus's face began to sting ferociously, and he longed to run it under water to relieve the pain. After a time, Dumbledore spoke.

"I am sorry to say," he said, looking between the two boys, that despite your good intentions –" here his gaze lingered on Severus – "You will both be dealt with severely. Gregory Pfeiffer… fifty points from Slytherin, and two months of detentions. Be glad it's not more. As for Severus Snape… ten points from Slytherin—" Severus let out a sudden rush of air he didn't realize he had been holding—"and two detentions. I will also be notifying both of your parents." Replacing his half-moon spectacles, the Assistant Headmaster stared at both Slytherins for a second before leaning forward again. "I trust you don't need me to make sure you both get to bed safely?"

"No, sir," Pfeiffer grumbled.

As the boys rose to leave, Dumbledore called after them.

"I daresay Madam Marche is still awake, Mr. Snape… Severus… you may want to get those scratches looked at."


	4. Chapter 3

Father into your hands 

_Why have you forsaken me_

_In your eyes forsaken me_

_In your thoughts forsaken me_

_In your heart forsaken me_

~*~*~*

_Chop Suey!_ Is © System of a Down

Album: Toxicity

*~*~*~

Two days later, Severus found himself in one of the dungeons yet again. He found it relieving that he couldn't hear the happy voices of the other students eating dinner in the Great Hall. He loved being alone with his thoughts. But right now, he felt in roiling turmoil. He expected a visit from his father any day now…

            Needing to read a book, Severus turned and stalked down the hallway to the entrance to the Slytherin commons. Rounding the corner, he suddenly stopped dead… for standing with his back to the wall and hands clasped behind him was Lionis Snape.

            Lionis smiled thinly when he saw his son. His black eyes, mirroring the cold depths of Severus's, glittered cruelly.

            "Hello, Severus," Lionis said. Severus felt his father's voice sliding through him like ice. "Come. We must talk." The elder Snape held out a hand. Severus moved forward, almost automatically, and felt his father's arm drape about his shoulders. He shuddered, and Lionis smiled more broadly.

Lionis steered Severus up the stairs, past the Great Hall, and outside onto the grounds. The sun was beginning to set in shades of yellow-gold, red and orange, but Severus saw only where he was going. They stopped around the side of Greenhouse Two.

Snape pushed his son's back against the greenhouse wall. Severus knew what was coming, and merely prayed to whatever god might be listening that it would be over quickly. Staring into his father's cold dark eyes, he kept his face completely blank.

"So you think you're too good for Slytherin, eh, boy?" Lionis hissed. He put his hands on the sixth-year's shoulders, pinning him to the glass. "So good, in fact, that now you won't even act appropriately. What do you have to say?"

Severus forced himself to remain calm. He suddenly became aware that he was thin, so thin, and his father so strong.

"ANSWER ME!!" Lionis roared. The palm of his hand connected with the side of his son's face, jerking it sideways. "Why won't you answer me?"

"I _don't_ think I'm too good," Severus spat. "You expect…"

"Don't tell _me_ what I expect, boy!" The older man struck forcefully just under Severus's ribs, making the boy reel and cough. Letting go of his son's shoulders, Lionis sent his fist into the side of his face, sending him crashing to the ground.

_He could easily break any bone in my body… _Severus's head pounded, and he felt his left eye swelling shut. He forced himself to stare at the ground instead of Lionis's face. He suspected it was turning a sick purple-red, as it usually did when he was angry.

Lionis gripped a handful of Severus's hair, jerking the boy's head upward. Breathing hard, Severus stared into that lean Snape face… and suddenly saw himself reflected there, in darkness that echoed his own. The elder Snape lashed out then, throwing his knee twice into Severus's chest. The boy heard a sickening crack. Burning pain shot through hid body, and if his father had let him go, he surely would have collapsed. Barely able to breathe, now Severus had to fight to hold back tears.

"Get a haircut," his father growled, and let go of Severus's hair. A final kick was delivered to his upper arm, and Lionis Snape swept off across the grounds, leaving behind a weakened shell of a boy who felt nothing but pain, and hatred for his failed father.


	5. Chapter 4

Severus didn't know how long he lay there, next to Greenhouse Two, in too much pain to even cry. Finally he managed to stand. Leaning against the greenhouse for a moment, trying hard not to breathe too much, he assessed his damage. One broken rib, maybe two; his arm felt badly bruised, and one eye was about swollen shut – he prodded it gently and winced. _Damn…_

Blinking away tears of pain, he clamped one arm tightly about his chest and began shuffling toward the castle entrance. The sun was sunken low in the sky. _I must have been out here for hours…_

            Down a darkening hallway on his way back to the Slytherin common room, Severus heard voices moving toward him. In no mood to verbally spar, he straightened as much as he could, hoping for a simple passing.

            No such luck.

            "Greetings, Severus," Remus Lupin smiled.

            Severus nodded slightly – he was sure they had already seen his blackened eye.

            "What's wrong, Snape?" Sirius Black sneered. "A house-elf get the better of you?"

            Rage shot through the Slytherin's frail form. They didn't know… could not know… how dare they? Severus's mouth twitched.

            "I see your friend is still sweet on that mudblood," he purred through gritted teeth, glancing over at Lily. Anger contorted James Potter's features; he threw off his glasses and handed them to Remus.

            "You don't… insult…" His face reddened, and Severus braced himself. Thrown against the wall, he smiled up into James's fury. Weakened, he allowed himself to be pummeled from three sides, unable to do much else. Lupin remained to one side with a pair of glasses in each hand, looking on bemusedly. Lily backed away, horrified.

            "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

            The beating stopped, and Severus found enough strength to raise his head. Professor McGonagall, the new Transfiguration teacher, was hurrying toward them, alarmed. As she got close, Severus could see a tic going in her cheek. "Potter and Black! I would expect better from you!" she shrieked.

            "He insulted Lily, Professor!" James said heatedly. "He called her a _mudblood_!" Lily, now backed against the opposite wall, shuddered, nodding.

            McGonagall's eyes were riveted to Snape. "Is this true?" Severus nodded weakly. Mouth set in a thin line, McGonagall looked back to James and Sirius, and a trembling Peter Pettigrew. "Twenty points from Gryffindor for each of you, and ten from Slytherin. And detentions," she added as an afterthought.

            "Is that for me too?" Remus asked. McGonagall thought for a moment, and then shook her head. 

            "But go, all of you, unless you want more points deducted! Yes, more from my own house!" she barked at them. The five Gryffindors hurried off, casting rueful glances back at the Professor. McGonagall, however, was looking only at Severus. The boy struggled to rise, and stood in front of her, panting and hunched partway over.

            "Do you need to get to the hospital wing?" Professor McGonagall asked kindly.

            "No… I'm just sore… thank you, Professor." Severus gulped back his pain and stood straight, shaky though he was. He hoped she wouldn't notice.

            McGonagall nodded hesitantly. "All right then. You should be off to bed." She whisked down the hall the way she had come.


	6. Chapter 5

Severus Snape curled up on the floor, head to his knees. The tip of his wand glowed brightly on the ground. He was in his place, his secret chamber, behind a statue on the second floor. It didn't really go anywhere; Severus suspected it was a forgotten storage room. But this didn't matter now. All he cared about was escaping…

            He lay shivering on the sandy floor, thin body wracked with dry sobs. Here… safe… he could finally be safe… A blessed numbness overtook his body as the pain subsided and sleep came.


	7. Chapter 6

**AN: there is cutting – self-mutilation – ahead. If it is triggering or disturbing, do not read this section. That's why it's so short, and not combined with the previous section.**

Awaking in darkness, Severus listened intently before pushing open the entrance to his hidden chamber. Darkness stared back at him. The clock on the wall read 4:36 in luminous numbers. Sighing, the boy closed himself in once again. He lit his wand and groped stiffly for the knife with the metal snake-handle that he kept there.

            Rolling up his sleeve, he smiled wanly at the scars embedded there. Small runes encircled his left arm, spelling out well-chosen magical spells letter by letter. Each time he was beaten, a letter was added. He was on the second row.

            Two runes he carved today. The blood trickled down, and he licked at it before blotting it off. Pushing up his sleeve further, he inspected the large purple bruise left from that painful kick. Shuddering, he hastily tugged the fabric down again.

            Yes, he enjoyed self-inflicted pain. Controlled and simple, and nobody had to know. Other pain, though… Severus dreaded the coming of summer, though it was months away.  Often his mother would creep into his room to heal her son's injuries, but other times he was there alone, licking his wounds and brooding. This summer would probably be worse.

            He hated it all.


	8. Chapter 7

It was two weeks before Severus could breathe normally, without pain except when he took in deep gulps of air. Whenever it wasn't obvious, he would wrap his cloak tightly around himself to disguise his slightly hunched-over form until he could stand straight again. His ribs healed crookedly, and he had found some loose teeth, but that couldn't be helped. Physical inflictions all healed with time. He didn't dare go to the infirmary, not for the load of teasing he would likely get from _them_.

            Two weeks later, Severus discovered the solitude of the winter, wandering about the outdoors more and more. The bitter winds kept most students inside, and he yearned for nothing more.

            Students were preparing to leave for the holidays. Severus had sent an owl home telling his parents he would be staying at Hogwarts, catching up on homework. There had been no reply. Not surprising – he would stay.

            Dwelling on these thoughts only made his ribs ache dully again. Really, he couldn't wait until he was free of school and his… _parents_. Life, on his own, would be…

            A bloodcurdling scream tore through the silence. Apparently he was not the only one out today. Realizing the scream came from within the Forbidden Forest, and blindly ignoring school rules, he set off in search of its source.

            It was oddly calm inside the Forest. The trees blocked out the wind, resulting in an eerie, silent surrounding. Severus didn't have to look far before he came across a rather still form, a blonde girl wearing Hufflepuff robes. Kneeling beside her, he only regretted that it wasn't that damnable Sirius Black lying here instead. Shaking his head, he drew his wand.

            "She's not dead."

            A voice like cold melted butter made Severus jump and spin about, eyes searching warily. It laughed; not a pleasant sound. The high pitch made it sound like screeching.

            "My dear Severus. Always sly… never trusting. Though we must work on the poor fighting; but that's not a problem.

            "Not afraid of pain, willing to turn on your own kind… I do believe that's what your little Slytherin scuffle was about, was it not?" Still laughing, taunting, the voice grew closer. "Yet, still, there's something missing." 

A tall form with long white fingers materialized in front of Severus, who stepped back. Icy red eyes stared at him. They seemed to be taking in every aspect of his very soul. Severus's face was a mask of mixed curiosity and angry realization. "I am Lord Voldemort, dear boy," the figure chuckled. "Are you not happy that I have chosen you? You will follow me – learn obedience and strength, away from these Muggle-loving fools and mudbloods." He laughed again, that icy high-pitched screaming laugh that made Severus shudder.

"Are you afraid of me, dear boy? That's the spirit." Voldemort raised his wand suddenly. "Crucio!"

"Expelliarmus!"

The spells hit in midair, crackled for a moment, and exploded. Severus received the full power of it and was thrown backwards. His arm snagged on a tree root sticking up out of the ground. It clawed through his robes and ripped a gash in his arm… but Snape kept a firm grip on his wand.

Kneeling and clutching his arm, Severus glared defiantly at Voldemort, as if daring him to do that again. Tears of pain etched down his cheek. Blood dripped down over his hand, staining his furred green robes and turning the frost on the ground red. Voldemort chucked again.

"How very brave of you. I find it amusing that you can resist me… I offer fame and power. What more could a Slytherin want?" Lifting his wand again, Voldemort whispered:

"Crucio."

Severus felt as though his entire body was on fire. Small things seemed to have crawled beneath his skin, biting him. He twitched and writhed in agony, on the ground; his wand lay forgotten next to him. Burning and shooting pains as though his bones were breaking one by one and oh! Was that death welcoming him in the darkness he saw?


	9. Chapter 8

"… Lucky he was there… poor boy…"

            Severus rubbed his eyes and opened them. When his vision cleared, he noticed that he was in the hospital wing of Hogwarts. Low voices came from the other side of a screen.

            "How did Remus find him?"

            _So that's how I got here._

"He said he heard a scream. Most likely that Stunned Hufflepuff girl."

            "Horrible experience for a first-year…"

            The voices cleared and Severus recognized Dumbledore's cheery bass rumble.

            "Ah! Severus is awake." The long-bearded face peered around at him. "How are you feeling?"

            Severus nodded, his throat dry. He ached all over, but the gash in his arm was healed. He ran a hand over the spot where it had been absently.

            "What happened out there?" Dumbledore moved fluidly to the side of the bed.

            "I'm not exactly sure…"

            Professor Snape touched that spot on his arm gingerly. After his experience, there had been no scar, so later that night he had carved one in. Small and white, it hardly stood out now against his pale skin. Nobody knew… it was so many years ago…

            Snape drew his attention back to the luminous clock on the wall. His next class would be coming in, with the famous _Harry Potter_, he thought with a slight sneer, and he must prepare.

            Pushing up his sleeve, he ran a finger over a row of runes on his left arm.

            _Avada Kedavra_.

            A rare smile passed across the Professor's lips as he buttoned his sleeve and stood, a menacing figure as the first students filed into class.

            So many years ago. Nobody knew. And as long as he lived, they never would.

**A.N.: So that's the end! Finite Incantatem! Whoo… I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please review… and tell me what you'd like to see next.**


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